Cocodona--what can I say? I came. I DNF. I will be back.

I want to preface this with a couple things. I had some technical issues to try to get pics to load up. It just wouldn't work. I had 533 photos from the week.  I had all the intentions of adding snipets of photos in videos, but it wouldn't work.  Technology.  This is long. It took me longer to write than I expected because I went through some emotions and revelations revealed during the writing and processing of it all.  I had to take some breaks from writing because I was going into a dark, negative place.  The disappointment I felt from not finishing was pretty massive.  The aftermath of my medical issues complicated dealing with that disappointment.  I am still feeling things that I didn't expect.  I remind myself every time I feel that I failed;  that I didn't. I did the best that I could under the circumstances.  No matter the what-ifs, if only this, if I had done that, it would have come to the same ending.  I got sick, I got worse, I couldn't resolve it and to continue I would have done irreversible damage.  Not to muscles or joints, but to my lungs.  No matter what, I know that.  I am learning to accept that and move forward.  I broke this down in parts since it is longer to read. 

Cocodona--what is this?

What is Cocodona?  It is 250 mile-ish point to point foot race that goes from Black Canyon City to Flagstaff, Arizona.  You can do it without crew support or with crew support.  With or without pacers.  A pacer can join you after the first 35 ish miles.  There are 20+ aid stations along the way with food, water, heat, happy faces.  Multiple stations have medics in place to help you if needed.  This is the second year running of this race.  It is run the first week of May ranging from very hot to very cold.  Minimum elevation is 3,000 ft and the max is 9,135 ft.  Approximately gaining 42K in elevation and losing 34K going downhill.  You wind through multiple parks and towns, mountain ranges.  A mix of pavement (8%), single track (43%), double track (49%).  You start on a Monday and have 125 hours to finish on Saturday.  You have to manage your sleep, the race clock doesn't stop for sleep.  It is an epic journey!!  Here is a link to the website for more information Cocodona Page

Part One--the beginning

 Oh Cocodona.....you took over my life.  Consumed my every thought, from the moment I woke up to when I went to sleep.  I dreamt about plans, spreadsheets, notecards, food, all the gear, the packs, the plans, the course.  I lived and breathed Cocodona.  My phone recognizes Cocodona as an actual word because I use it so much.  My friends and family had to hear about it.  My husband was so done with hearing the word.  There should be a support group for friends and family of Cocodonians.  For real.

There were several times over the year that I wanted to pull the plug on Cocodona.  The financial costs.  The physical time costs.  I tried to balance family, work, training.  Something always gave.  I felt guilty all the time for neglecting, my home, my family, my animals, my friends.  I missed a lot of get togethers so that I could train. When I wasn't training, I was planning a training run, I was planning for Cocodona.  I was in tears so many times for not being able to handle the pressure of it all and feeling like I was letting down everyone and everything.  My house looked like a runners homeless shelter.  Gear, food, spreadsheets, notes.  My house was not company ready to say the least.  I worked. I ran before work.  I did night runs. I tried to do group runs. I ran with friends. Friends joined me for parts of long runs.  I spent a lot of time alone. Which I am used to and expected to spend a lot of time alone.  Eventually I had to start doing longer stuff alone which worried Kevin endlessly.  Not everybody could join me for the longer stuff.  I tried to make it work for everyone and finally I just had to start doing stuff on my own.  Which is okay.  It was just hard sometimes.  Cocodona isn't just a race, it is a life comittment.  It is a journey to be experienced with others, but, ultimately that journey is lonely and you have accept that.  It is your body moving forward.  Your mental resolve to move forward. As much as it feels lonely though, I know I made it sound so bleak, it doesn't have to be.  You have to learn and train to rely on others.  Because I trained so much solo, I relied on myself and didn't learn to rely on others.  That is something I need to work on and an area Kevin and I discussed would be an issue.  My fierce independance and stubborness to be helped would be an huge problem.  Communicating what I need and trusting those I was with to give me what I need or trust their decisions.  That is a huge deep seated problem for me, trust.  Learn to let go and trust.  But, don't trust a fart....that is a deal breaker.

I trained so hard for this race.  For a little perspective May 2021 Mileage was 76.2 for the month, which was a decent month for me  June 2021 I made the decision to start training for Cocodona, mileage was 70.5.  July I registered, mileage was 164.  Every month I upped the numbers and number of days moving,  I started full blown menopause, I got COVID and still kept moving.  I hit my biggest month in February with 350 miles followed with March at 302 and April, the month before the race I hit 215.  I would do long runs and end them with one thought, could I keep going?  I did a hard 100K, came home and slept for 2 hours and was cleaning house and ready to go.  I did a training run on the first 37 miles of the course, which is hard as hell and I got done and said to my husband, with some real food and warm clothes, I could keep going.  I did so many hard runs, 24 hours, 100Ks, 50Ks all of them I ended with a question, could I go on and I knew I could.  I knew I was ready.  I knew it would be hard.  I knew there would be obstacles and moments that I would want to quit, but I would never quit, I would keep going.

I had an amazing crew and support system in place.  I had awesome pacers lined up.  I told them all before the race, don't let me quit.  The only way my race would end  before the finish would be because I didn't make a cut off or medical, like a bone sticking out that duct tape wouldn't hold back in.  I can problem solve through just about anything that could go wrong, I was prepared with supplies to combat just about anything that could go wrong.

My mental game is strong.  I can zone out and click in to just moving forward.  I had so many books and songs downloaded to listen to.  I can just listen and zoom away.  I know when the negative self talk creeps in that I can eat something or distract it away.  I tested all my foods.  I had this.

I had the whole course memorized.  I knew it inside and out and knew my timelines.  I had pace cards for each section with all the information I needed.

I was ready.

Part 2-the course change

The Crooks fire began 18 April, 2 weeks before the race.  Full on panic mode happened.  Will the race be cancelled?  Will it be postponed?  The Crooks fire burned through the Bradshaw mountain range where the first 60 miles of the race would have been.  Including the first 37 miles that I focused a lot of my training towards.  We were all wondering what we were going to be doing.  

We discussed doing drop bags if they crew couldn't get to me.  Not what I wanted at all.  All this precise planning just threw me upside down!!

They pulled off a miracle.  They found a way to reroute it.  We would be starting from Prescott and going on the trails around Prescott and into the mountains in that area.  Everyone was posting how much easier it would be.  Someone posted pics of the elevation charts for each section and it seemed it would be a lot easier than the original course.  They also added an out and back later in the race to make up some miles that would be short so we would get 250 miles.

In the week or so prior, I lost 2 pacers.  One from injury, one from circumstances.  I was able to get those sections covered last minute so it would all work out and I was able to find someone to cover a new out and back section.  There was also a lot of coordination for getting my friends passenger van, Bessie in place which would serve as a ride for my friends Lynn and Linda from Colorado and a place for me to sleep.  We called it the Jogger Van because it wasn't as fancy as the Sprinter Vans but served the purpose.

There were so many logistics to pull this off. With the changes, it changed the timeline completely.  I had to redo my pace charts and cards.  It was so much change, but, I was grateful that we would have a race still. I was trying to stay positive.  It will all be okay.  No matter the route, I had one job.  One step in front of the other.

Part 3-my crew

Kevin and Randi would be crew to start with until Tuesday when Lynn and Linda would be coming in from Colorado and help out.  Randi would pace me first and she was tagged as making sure my hair was braided and social media updates.  Linda would help with that too.  Kevin and Randi ended up being the dynamic duo to get me to the point I got to.

Pacers would be Randi, Kevin, Lynn, Linda, Liz, Megan, Heather/Eero.  Heather and Eero stepped in last minute to cover.

Part 4-uh oh

Friday night, the Friday before the race I have trained a year for....I had a little sore throat.  I did a COVID test and it was negative thankfully.

On Saturday I met with the Trail Sisters for a short run and they helped decorate the truck with motivational messages on the windows.  It was so awesome. I ran 5 miles which helped more for stress relief more than anything.  I felt great, but, my throat was still a little skratchy and mildly sore.

I had coffee and bagels with my best friends and talked out some things and it was exactly what I needed to not feel so stressed.  I was so excited and nervous at the same time.

I stopped at the store on the way home for Emergen-C and other cold slowing drugs. 

Spent the day organizing my outifts for the race week, thought it would make things much easier for Kevin and Randi to just grab a bag of clothes for me.  I had it organized by morning, mid-day, night clothes.  Seemed like a great plan because I refer to the above, I have done this mostly alone so I know my clothes and what I wanted.  So many funny things writing this.  I felt I had to control my own stupid outfits!!

Laurie who has been such a huge support with the training through this was amazing.  She offered her Mormon van, Bessie for us to use.  She helped me figure out a lot of things through training.  When we went to pick up the van she surprised me with the most sweetest gift, a scrapbook for the Cocodona race.  It was so awesome.  I just cried.

We had a soccer game that night for William.  When we got home we took out the two back row of seats and worked on loading the camper, truck and van up.  It was so strange to see the house empty of all the gear.  The boxes and tupperwares of things.  

Crew food.  My food.  Caffeine drinks.  Soups and mashed potatoes for me. Foot care. First Aid.  Frequently used stuff.  Clothes. Cold weather gear. Extra drinks. Water. Packs. So much stuff!!!! Organized for many months and re-organized again and again.

I was taking Emergen-C like it was candy. 

When I went to bed that night I took some melatonin to help me sleep, knowing this sleep would be the last in my bed for a week and the next time I went to bed, I would be laying there with a Cocodona buckle in my hand.

Part 5-day before the race

We woke up Sunday full of anxious energy.  The boys stayed the night and they went to breakfast with us.  We walked the dogs and sorted out all the last minute animal care issues.   We went to Cracker Barrel for a nice big breakfast with the boys, Randi and her husband Porter.  A lot of nervous energy and excitement for the week ahead.  However, my throat still hurt.  We did a COVID test before we left to be sure and it was negative. It is just a little cold, it will pass.

We made the drive to Prescott with a couple of gas and toilet stops on the way.  Randi and I drove Bessie and Kevin drove the truck and camper.  Oh my goodness, it is happening.  A year of planning and it is happening.

We pull into the dirt lot with the other folks who are camping overnight, we moved the camper a few times because of the wind.  It was so windy and so dusty.  It was crazy.

Went down and checked in, got my race bib, #221.  Took my race photo and photo for the SPOT tracker.  The picture shows a smiling and happy Kristin, what you didn't see that Kevin captured is my hands gripping each other for dear life.

We headed back up to camp and Randi and I left to go get a couple things from the store including "my last supper" as Kevin kept calling it. While we were at the store Kevin was orgainizing things in the camper and found a fuse was blown.  So he got out the spare fuse box that has approximately 200 fuses in it and opened it upside down....there were fuses everywhere.  So we had a fun game later, sort the fuses.   It was funny really.  It was a fun relaxing evening....well it was fun.  We pulled all the containers out and I went over all of them with Kevin and Randi, explaining what was in each one and I had labled all of them.  I tried to make it as easy as I could for them.  I didn't want them stressing out.  Linda and I crewed Lynn last year and we looked endlessly for things.

We ate our dinner and talked about all kinds of things and laughed, lots of laughs.  Then the song happened.

You Belong to the City Glen Frye Song

Kevin came across this song for Cocodona because of the Lyrics

The sun goes down the night rolls in, You can feel it starting all over again, The moon comes up and the music calls, You're getting tired of staring at the same four walls.....nobody knows where you are going, nobody cares where you have been....still don't know where you are going, you're still a face in the crowd, You belong to the city, You belong to the night, Living in a river of darkness underneath the neon light...

However, if you clicked the link to listen, it has this huge long porno music sounding intro...you just clicked the link didn't you!!!  Well it made us all laugh and Randi is laying in one of the bunks getting ready for bed and Kevin plays the song.  Classic.  She said, "I'm still awake!!!!"

Part 6-Day One of the Race

The start wasn't going to be until 10 am the next morning which was a weird time to start.  I don't know why we were starting at that time and it was odd to try to plan food etc.  I had Randi french braid my hair better than I can usually braid it so that it would stay throughout the race or until a shower. We laughed because it reminded me of a Judd's song about being country.

We went down to the starting area to get some pictures and talk with other runners that I did the training run with.  Kyung, January and Richard and I got a nice pic together.  

I got my SPOT tracker on which would be on me until Deadhorse Ranch aid station, where they would check it. This would track me through out the race on where I was so that the crew could be there when I got there and pacers knew.  Also, I had a lot of friends and family following along my progress and giving me support.  The support was amazing.

It came time for the race to start.  I hugged Randi and she went up on the hill to get a video of the start.  I hugged Kevin and gave him a kiss.  I started crying.  Such an emotionaly charged moment.  I was excited and scared and sad to leave Kevin and Randi.  

They send us off and we all start running, then we start hiking.  It was a single track of people heading out on a grand adventure. Lots of conversations and so many variations in gear, packs, shoes, poles, hats.  It was so awesome.  I am so used to being out on the trail alone and here I am with 230 other people doing the same thing!!  It was amazing.

Eventually this big conga line of runners starts to thin out into smaller groups.  I was talking with a person who was from Tennessee.  He is originally from Argentina, which everytime I say that I hear Madonna singing, "Don't cry for me Argentina".  He was talking about his experiences and why he was doing Cocodona.  It was so cool to chat with people and hear their journey to the race.  I saw another runner who was originally in cowboy boots, cowboy hat and jeans.  I eventually saw him change into some running shoes.  I didn't get to talk with him much.  Not sure if he was the same person that posted later as the Denim Cowboy.  There were couples out there dressed similiar too.  It was really cool just seeing all these people knowing how hard they all worked to get to the starting line and here we are doing it!!

The first 11 miles was pretty easy, rolling hills, mostly trails.  We did get to an intersection where we needed to cross the highway and the race director Steve guided us across.  What race have you been to lately has the race director guide you across?  We went through a neighborhood and the fella from Argentina (Madonna sing it girl) and I talked about all the different houses.  I laughed that all the miles I did in our neighborhood on the pavement were for this section.  Joking of course.

We left the neighborhood on a nice downhill trail section into the aid station.  I felt fantastic.  I was in the aid station an hour ahead of my planned time goal.  I thought, if this whole first section is like this, this is fantastic.  I filled my pack.  Got some sunscreen.  A couple little bites of food.  Filled my tailwind.  Had some coke and a dash of whiskey with Dyronasauraus Rex one of the runners that goes by that name on FB.  Sent a message out that I was doing great and was out of the aid station in 15 minutes.

Part7--Headed to Kevin and Randi

The next aid station would be in 7 miles and I would see Kevin and Randi.  It started out pretty good, nice steady downhill and I was still feeling great.  Was more into listening to music vs. my books.  By now we had all spread out quite a bit and I was alone.  I am used to being alone, so that is okay.

Then we started this climb.  It was steep.  Kind of a surprise.  A surprise simply because I didn't memorize or study the section well.  We went from 5680 to 6030 in 3 1/2 miles.  Which doesn't seem like much, but for some reason, it felt harder than it should have been.  What the heck?  Maybe it is the elevation? I ate a little snacks and it just seemed off.  I should add that my water refill from the first aid station tasted bad.  I tried to drink it, but it tasted bad and so I wasn't really drinking any water.  I looked at my pace and I was okay still, so I just kept going listening out for the aid station.

I got into the aid station and it was such a hub bub of excitement seeing everyone.  I was so happy to see Kevin and Randi but I wasn't feeling as super excited as I was a few hours ago.  I thought it must be nutrition, I should eat and I will feel better and changing out that crappy water.  I was in an hour ahead of time still so that was good and I took advantage to rest a little and Kevin and Randi fed me and filled my pack.  I changed out my hat and loaded up my headlamps because the next time I would see them it would be dark.  While I was sitting there and talking to them, I heard another runner shouting demands to her crew for 8 applesauces because the next section was 14 miles.  14 miles?  What? I once again was surprised.  Simply because once again, I didn't memorize the new sections.  I put my pace window of 17-22 min miles thinking rolling hills and calculated the times for each section.  It just didn't stick that it would be 14 miles to the next stop.  Which really isn't that far, but, I wasn't thinking right.  Too early to not be thinking right.  I asked Randi to load up more fuel.  I ate a lot of food and set out.  I felt so full though.  I thought a stop to poop at the porta potty would be good, one less stop on the trail.

I was in there for awhile and just a couple of toots.  Well, gotta get going.  Kevin asked through the vent, Sweetheart, are you okay?  Yes and I got up and out.  I left there feeling pretty awful.  Bloated with food.  Feeling really fatigued for no reason I could understand.  My nose had been congested, but thought it was from the wind and dust.  Mouth was dry from the air, but the cough drops I packed helped.  I thought when the food kicks in, I will be fine.  When the caffeine kicks in, I will be fine.  I took an advil cold and sinus when I was with them and that should help my nose.  Get out and get going.

Meanwhile Kevin and Randi were getting messages on why I wasn't moving.  Why was I at the aid station so long.  It should be a quick turn.  Kevin kindly reminded them, this is her race, her plan.

Part 8--Just keep tooting....stepping

My pack was so full of food and I was so bloated and uncomfortable, it felt tight on my chest. So I wore it as a vest.  I did a lot of burps and farts and thought I should have taken some Tums or packed some in my pack.  I was also coughing a lot, which was making me want to poop which was annoying.  But, I kept going.  A girl was near me for awhile and I shared my discomfort and I may have scared her with a fart. She ran away. Hell I would have ran away from me!!

I finally started to feel better, more energy.  I could fasten the pack and run a little. I chatted with some folks from Colorado Springs and moved forward.  Played leap frog with another gentlemen until I had to poop again.  Caught up to another couple and leap frogged with them too.  I was back in my groove.  Music was great.  I was humming and singing along.

I noticed we are climbing more.  It was getting a little harder to breath.  It's okay, it is a climb.  I was around some other folks feeling the climb too so I didn't suspect any issues.  It was a big climb.  I was coughing a little and took breaks to breath but I was recovering quick and just kept climbing. When we left the aid station it was 6030 ft the climb topped out at 7020 ft, which didn't seem like we would ever get to the top.  I felt so stupid that I didn't take note of this because my pace window was going to be way off.  I was trying to eat but eating required some breathing and I was having a hard time, but wrote it off to the climb.  I linked up with Jaime an awesome runner from California.  We stayed together for quite awhile.  It was nice chatting with someone because it took my mind off of why I was getting my ass kicked.  This shouldn't feel this hard, it is too soon.

I was able to get a pretty cool picture of the sunset and at a gorgeous view point.  You could really see the smoke in the air at this point.  At night you could really see the smoke.  I would realize later, it was contributing to why I was getting my ass kicked too soon.

We ended up on this dirt road that was going downhill.  I ended up talking with a guy who was walking with his bib in his hand and sticks in another.  I asked how he was doing and he said he was done.  He wasn't having fun anymore and he was just done.  He had called the emergency number and they were coming to get him.  I moved on.  Wished him luck.

Jaime caught up to me again and we made our way down, down, down, down a hard packed dirt road.  A guy pulled up in a truck behind us with the radio turned up playing, "It's your birthday" by 50 cent.  It was random and funny too.

We make this turn down the dirt road and there are runners coming up?  Did we miss a turn? No, they are coming back from the out and back.  Hold on a minute??  I knew there was an out an back from Finch Wells to Skull Valley and to Finch Wells, for reasons that I don't know why, I thought we would get to Finch Wells and turn off from there to go to the Copper Creek Aid station.  Nope.  Once again I felt so stupid for not studying this whole new re-route more.  Nobody's fault but my own.  Jaime was as surprised as I was which made me feel a little better.  I ended up having to go poop AGAIN!!  So annoying.  Jaime moved on down the hill. 

I loved seeing everyone coming up the hill and cheering me on and I could cheer them on.  I saw my friend Tim Cronk, and another fellow Tucson runner Chris Fall, my friend Tanya I made leading up to the race.  All so encouraging.  I was struggling to breath.  I wanted to run but, my feet were not feeling special.  I regretted not changing socks when I was with Kevin and Randi.  I was coughing and snot rocketing.  I was not having fun.  I was fighting tears.  No music worked.  I tried to eat.  People kept saying, there is spring rolls at Finch wells.  Those sound tasty.  That will be good.  A little coke too.  Just get in and out from there.  It was getting dark.

I got in there and did just that, spring rolls were these tiny little things but I had like 5 of them.  Some coke and I sat down in a chair.  Apparently I stole someones chair, another guy said I didn't.  I didn't know if a brawl would happen, so I left.  It should be noted that Finch Wells looked bleak, people looked spent and taking naps.  Which made me feel a little better that I wasn't feeling well.  Maybe it isn't me.  I got out of there. It was 8:23 pm, I was 22 min behind my plan.

Part 9--I love the night life

I waited as long as possible to turn on my headlamp and chest light.  I wanted to enjoy the stars.  We were on a wide open dirt road and not much to trip on.  It was great seeing everyone coming back up the road.  I would shuffle run and try to make up some time.  But the more I ran, dammit to hell I had to poop.  Come on!!  There wasn't much room on either side of the road to go.  I couldn't tell if there was a canyon drop off on one side and the other had a barbed wire fenceline.  I finally gave in and put on my lights.  But, the poop needed to happen and everytime I thought I could sneak off a runner would be coming the other way.  I hate out and backs.  So do donkeys.  I wanted to turn back with them too.  I also so badly wanted to see Kevin and Randi.

I talked with a guy who said the downhill was killing his calves.  I told him we would be climbing this big hill soon enough and he would feel better.  I scooted along.  Word was from people coming up there were delicous burgers at the aid station.  It is funny what motivates people.  Everyone would share this information.  

I finally had to find a place to go.  I turned off my headlamp.  My little chest light wouldn't turn off entirely and it was on the red light.  Well, it is what it is.  I did my business illuminated in a red light.  People went by.  There wasn't a full moon, but there was a red moon out there that night.

I got back on the road and the man with the calves said, I am very sorry but I saw the red light and I saw you going to the bathroom.  It was an awkaward funny laugh between us.  It happens.

Part 10--Skull Valley

I finally get to Kevin and Randi so happy to see them and I just start bawling.  Worried I have blown it.  I am in later than I should be. I got in around 9:30 pm. Which I thought was way past my timeline like 2 hours, because I was so exhausted and out of it.  It was 30 minutes past my timeline.  In my mind I couldn't compute that.  Kevin and Randi told me I was doing great and it was going to be okay.  We have talked about it and having a visual aide so I can see that I was okay may have helped.  I was convinced I screwed up.  In writing this and looking at the times and paces, I was where I was supposed to be, just a little behind.  Kevin told me that he tried to show me and I just believed it was falling apart.  I thought he was being sweet and supportive.  Stupid I know.  This was another warning flag that something was off with me.

I ate the burger.  I had recovery drink, all kinds of food.  Kevin took care of my feet.  We washed them, drained blisters, taped them up.  I changed my clothes to warm gear.  Got my kogalla set up.  Kevin and Randi charged my phone, headphones, headlamp, loaded up my pack with everything and sent me to the truck to rest and get warm.  I was freezing.  I looked at my timeline to rework it, I changed my arrivals on the timeline and pace cards.  I have since analyzed this in depth and realize my brain not thinking right was due to low oxygen.  I was coughing quite a bit.

I went into the truck to "sleep".  I closed my eyes for maybe 30 minutes.  I also apparently in an effort to turn the headlights off, turned the truck into 4 wheel drive and not Auto.

At midnight, I set out.  My original plan was to sleep for an hour at Skull Valley and leave by 2300 (11pm). Which in writing this and looking at my times etc., I was only an hour behind my timeline, where my head was at, I was hours off of the timeline.  I have talked this through with Kevin and we are making a code words SKULL VALLEY to indicate, shut up and listen Kristin, you are being stubborn.  You are not making sense.  Listen to us.  Kevin even told me, I was a little off the timeline and there were Sprinter vans still there, meaning fast people, lots of people still out there. It just wasn't connecting to me.  I was in my head and I was failing.

Randi was amazing and talked to me about what my mantra was.  Reset, recovery, get to whiskey row with friends.  It was the thing I was looking forward to the most.  Being on this journey with Kevin and friends.

So there I went, full of food, good thoughts, coffee, gear, warm clothes.  Let's do this.

I was sweating to death before I knew it and took off my puffy jacket.  I had a funny moment happen when I took off my snow hat I couldn't hear my book anymore.  I fiddled with my phone way too long to realize my headphones fell off, back down the hill I went and found them.

I got into Finch Wells again and had some coffee, some broth, some spring rolls-they were tasty.  I saw Jaime and Kyung and they were going to stop for a bit.  I wanted to keep moving.  Still thinking I have blown it.  I was in my groove though.  Captured by my book.  I was really tired, but moving at a decent pace.  It was going to be okay.

I did get the shit scared out of me though.  I saw a thing.  I wanted to know what it was.  I crept up on it.  The wind blew and it blew towards me.  It was a cookie wrapper.  Frightening. I screamed a little.

Jaime caught up with me and we trudged on up this dirt road.  It is 10 miles up this road from Skull Valley.  There would be a right hand turn off of it and we just kept looking for this little arrow which would take us off of this road.  She kept saying, it is by a big tree.  Which was hilarious because we are in the forest and there are a lot of big trees.  Like being in the desert and you say you are by a cactus.  We chatted, I would slow to breath and we moved on.

Part 11--where is the right turn?

Finally making the turn towards Copper Creek.  The elevation chart indicated a downhill was coming and we were looking forward to that to gain some time.

We made the turn and it was a terrible old Jeep road.  Not runnable at all. We made the best of it and we came across a fella who was struggling with the ultra lean.  Where your body starts to lean to one side.  It is from a combination of an electrolyte imbalance and core strength issues.  He was making the best of it.  I wish I took note of his number, because I believe he finished, I believe we watched him finish.  More on that later.

We finally get into Copper Creek aid station.  Happy to see them.  Happy for a chair and a heater.  We both got some broth, coffee and avocado hummus wraps which were amazing.  We chatted with them for awhile and asked about what is to come.  They said that we had a 2 mile climb (lie, it was closer to 3), then we would be on the ridgeline and head to a 7 mile downhill (it was like 5), then 2 miles of pavement into Whiskey Row (lie it was longer and it was dumb).  He did say though, he wasn't 100 percent on all of this.  We set off, make the best of it.  Our crew is at Whiskey Row.

Part 12--the mistake

About 3 miles in I drank the last of my water.  About 10 min later, Jaime drank the last of hers.  We both forgot to fill our packs!!  How did we do that???  So, the remaining 10 miles we went sans water.

By this time, I was stopping a lot to get my breath.  Coughing a lot more.  Sweating up a storm so I didn't have my jacket on. I had started to wheeze.  I just thought it was the cold and wind.  Elevation was 6795, not too high.  I was having to catch my breath going downhill by this time.  I was feeling very fatigued and tried to snack.  Sharing food with Jaime.  The sun came up and we were into day 2.  It was weird to think we would keep moving all day.  I kept looking at the elevation chart and where we were to figure out how much to the next aid station.  Our watches were off by 1 1/2 miles from each other.  So it was hard to do the math. I had reworked my pace plan for this section to be between 22-28 min miles.  What was happening was an average of 24, but the first several miles were in the 30s.  Again, in my head, I was blowing it.  We came to a water fountain in a housing area and we considered climbing in it.  We walked past the cute houses in Prescott and thought it would be nice if we knocked on a door and got a cold glass of lemonaide.  Thirst was strong.  We were not having a great time with the "2 miles of pavement" that we thought would be flat-ish. We missed a turn and had to back track a block.  

We got to a cross walk and I could see Kevin across the crosswalk and Jaime's crew was there and they were on the other side of the road.  So she went with her crew and I crossed the road to mine. We didn't spend anymore miles together on the trail.  I was sad to not spend time with her, but I knew we would both be with our crews and pacers and we would be okay.

Part 13--Whiskey Row

My original plan was to rest at Whiskey Row for 3-4 hours to prepare for the day. I got into Whiskey Row at 10:15, original arrival was supposed to be between 7-8 am.  I revised it in the truck at Skull Valley and wrote 1100 am, but that didn't connect to me.  I was only looking at I was blowing this up, the race was getting away from me.  My buffer is diminishing.  I feel like complete dog shit.  Maybe a rest will make it better. Some food.  Wipe down and change of clothes. 

Kevin and Randi sent me messages about how they were waiting for me and I was going to have such an amazing day.  Friends and trails my favorite things.  They were amazing with keeping my spirits up.  I was so excited to see them.  I had tears rolling down my face.  I also looked lke a homeless person with all my layers tied to me and hanging off of me.

When I got into the aid station, Kevin and Randi had everything all set up.  Top knotch.  My foot station.  Chair.  They had pizza at the aid station and they ordered me a pizza. I was so thirsty and drank 2 bottles of water, recovery drink, 2 V8s, a chocolate milk I was so hungry but so tired too.  We found out the medics will tape your feet but not drain the blisters.  It was surprising how bad my feet were doing.  They never did this poorly in training.  We did some research and low oxygen levels will cause foot swelling.  So we drained my blisters, I changed clothes, wiped down with some bathing wipes and went and laid down on a cot in the sleep station.

When I laid down I was so happy to just get some sleep and recharge.  They were giving me an hour to sleep.  I laid there coughing for about 15 minutes or so before I finally went to sleep.  Any position I was in I was coughing.  I felt really bad for the other people trying to sleep, I just couldn't get in a position and not cough.  

Eventually I was woken up by a tickle on my feet from Linda!!  Lynn and Linda came down from Colorado and there she was with a giant cardboard head of me waking me up.  I was so happy to see her and was dying laughing about the giant head.  Apparently, Kevin, Randi, Alexis and Linda were all working on this for awhile.  Also, when she came in to wake me up, she almost woke up the wrong person.  Additionally, the hour was up for me to be woken up.  Kevin and Randi didn't want to do it, then found out Lynn and Linda were close by and they did it.  Pretty funny really.  You can see in the video how lovely my cough is and how giant that head is!!

I got out of there and went to the medics for them to tape my feet.  Which they used this blue luekotape that is way better than the kind I had.  I was also eating while they were taping me up.

Kevin and Randi were setting my pack up and taking things out to make it lighter it in some areas also.  I didn't know that until later.

My main problem blister was my Left baby toe.  Which again is strange, because that one rarely gives me issues.  The medics suggested doubling up on socks with toe socks on followed by an outer pair of balegas.  It hurt like hell getting the toe socks on over my baby toe.  It was really swollen and I couldn't figure out where to stab it, it just wouldn't drain.  With the luekotape on it, when it was ready to drain it will drain through the tape.  I already had a couple others that were draining through the tape so I just needed to tough it out.  

I had Kevin give me an Advil Cold and Sinus and we got our things together to head out. We headed out for the next section which was 12.8 miles which woud go through Prescott to Watson Lake and onto Iron King.  It starts out on pavement and makes its way around the lake on the rocks, then on a dirt path to the aid station/some sidewalk. We headed out about 4:30. Which according to my original plan, I wanted to arrive at Iron King around 4-5pm so I was behind my schedule quite a lot.  Time has a way of slipping away from you.  The first thing to sacrifice when this happens is sleep.  I was with Randi and we were going to have a great time.  I wished I taken in more caffeine, I was feeling so tired and sluggish.  But, I could rest later on Mingus mountain.  Just make up time moving forward.

Part 14--Time with Randi--this pacer bib has power

We had a lot of turns to take and Randi was a perfect pacer.  She downloaded the map to her watch and her phone.  I didn't have a thing to worry about.  She made sure we stopped for me to a short rest in the shade, to breathe, to eat and she cued me to drink.  She was on top of everything.  She was singing to me. She would go out crossing a street and put her hand out to stop traffic....she said she didn't do that, but, I felt like she did.  She was in full Trail Momma mode.  There was a point where we were close to the aid station and there was a guy who stopped to ask me about this race and I stopped to tell him.  She saw in my face I wasn't excited to tell him and just wanted to get to the aid station. So she said, sir, she is doing Cocodona, it is a 250 mile foot race, you can look it up.  She doesn't have time to talk, she needs to get to her next aid station.  She said, I feel so powerful with this pacer bib.  She was an absolute saint!  You know who wasn't-me.  I was absolute crap.  I have apologized a lot and she simply says, I knew what I was signing up for, it is okay.  This is how this section went down.

When we set out I wanted to stop and go to the bathroom at a gas station and get some caffeine.  I drank a lot of water to try to recover from running out of water.  As I left the gas station, I forgot about the caffeine because I didn't tell Randi about wanting it.  We talked about all kinds of things, I think?  I am having a hard time remembering.  We did see a blow up donkey and that made me really happy.  

As we made our way into the park where the lake is, I needed to use the bathroom.  I was thinking we were coming in at a different spot and there would be bathrooms. Since it was a different spot, I leaned up against a tree and went.  Once we were back on the trail I was so surprised to see a familiar face.

Carolyn Lee was there with her two doggies!!  She put up a cute sign and came to cheer me on.  I was so moved to see her there!!  She walked with me for a little while and we got a couple pictures.  It was so great to see her, a real lift in my declining spirits.  She said, I am going to see you tonight in Mingus!!  That would be so awesome to see her.

We passed a runner taking a little nap under the tree by the lake.  It was so pretty. 

Randi would go out in front and I would follow her where the dots and flags took us.  Eventually the runner who was taking a nap joined us.  He was with another runner for awhile and they made a wrong turn and added 5 miles on their journey, they went the opposite direction around the lake.  I believe he was from Alabama.  He was having a hard time with the heat and elevation.  He stayed with us for awhile.

My nose had been running for most of the race at this point and I would wipe it with my gloved hand or do snot rockets.  I wiped it again and I had a bloody nose.  Shoot!  All I have are wipes, no tissue.  Randi didn't have any tissues and Alabama only had wipes too.  I serioulsy looked at foilage for what I could stick up my nose.  I didn't have a buff, I forgot to get one and didn't tell anyone I wanted one.  A pattern I have noticed in writing this.  So I used my glove and applied some pressure.

Alabama took a rest and we moved on.  It is so pretty through there and I wished I felt better to appreciate it more.  We exited the rocks and started on a trail.  I had to go to the bathroom again and I went off what I thought was far enough.  As usual, it was not.  Alabama came up and Randi said she is going to the bathroom and as a respectable gentleman and runner he waited.  We talked for a few minutes and he was moving faster than us and he moved on.

Part 15--toe spolsion

We were going along this paved path and I said to Randi.  Something is happening.  What?  Something is happening to my toe.  Oh my god, what is happening to my toe?  Randi, I need to see what just happened to my toe.

I pull my shoe off, I have 2 pairs of socks on and they are both soaked with fluid from my baby toe.  It exploded.  A toe bomb.  A toe-splosion. It hurt like a m-fer. Randi, always a positive spirit, well at least it isn't swollen anymore!  True, very true.  I searched my bag for my first aid kit.  It wasn't in there.  I was pretty upset about that, more to come later.  I took one of the socks off and stuck it in my pack, or maybe Randi did.  Soaked with baby toe juice.  Gross.  We moved on.  At this point, I should have taken some Tylenol or something, but, I didn't think of it.  It may have made the next several miles better.  Oh the endless banter in my head-if only, should have, could have--no matter what, it wouldn't have affected the outcome....

The next several miles were not fun.  I was an asshole. We were on this flat, dirt path that goes behind some housing areas.  It was boring, bland, flat and I was not in a good place.  Randi tried to sing, she told me some jokes.  She tried to get me to eat. 

I pulled some 3 year old toddler bullshit on her. 

I said I have a cavity and I can't eat anymore.  She said, well just chew on one side.  I can't breathe if I eat on that side.  My cavity hurts really bad.  She said you need to eat.  Just eat.  Fine.  Chew-gag-chew-gag.  Slog along like a sloth having a tantrum.

She said, have these crackers.  Belvita crackers are amazing, I love them.  A staple in my training.  Okay, I can eat those, they won't hurt my cavity.  I nibble like a mouse.  So dumb, why do I need to eat crackers.  I carried that package in my hand nibbling for a long time and got bored of that and with Randi ahead of me.  I shamefully dumped the crackers out on the ground and said I was done.  I didn't remember that until a couple weeks after the race.  I confessed to Randi, she is still my best friend.  Also, I don't have a cavity.  It doesn't seem to exist at all.

As we got close to the aid station, Randi said look how Kevin has the chair right next to the sidewalk all ready.  I thought it was amazing, because I could sit down and stop moving.  I was so tired.

Part 16--the journey to Fain Ranch--confetti markings

Lynn and Linda were there of course and they were so excited and supportive.  Lynn was all geared up with lights and orange everything.  Their energy and excitement was so awesome.  I asked to have some tissue for my nose in case that happens again.  Kevin got me a "baked" potatoe with all the fixings on it from the aid station.  It was really hard and not cooked all the way so it was hard to eat.  I think I ate some other stuff, I don't know.  They set me up with my lights and warm gear and I left with Lynn.  

It was going to be a 5 mile section from Iron King to Fain Ranch.  When we were coordinating Lynn and Linda coming we discussed that I may do this section on my own.  For the record, I could still be out there, this one shouldn't be done alone and you should plan on way more than 5 miles. What a mess.  Basically, you leave out of this residential area, across some cow fields into a place called Fain Ranch.  There are some roads to follow, then some flags, some roads and flags that in my mind were thrown up in the air like confetti and where they landed was where the course went.  It wasn't meant to be that way at all, but cows.  Cows move them, eat them, shit on them.  It was a mess.

Lynn and I set out.  I was trying to be all sunshine and unicorns because he was so excited.  We were talking about random things and I told him I will need to find a place to go to the bathroom.  He asked me if I had been having any cramping or any issues and I said no.  Just this cough, not able to breathe, super exhausted and I have to poop a lot.  Oh, well that is good, lol.  So, he says, you should go by that tree.  Good idea.

I hang onto the branches and do my business.  I come over to him and what the heck, my hand is all cramped up.  I can't open it from hanging onto the branch!!!  He jinxed me!!

Off we go and Lynn would go ahead of me and try to find the route and I would go to his light.  We used my phone a lot trying to find the route.  I am sure Lynn did 10 miles finding the route.  It was a pretty flat section, but damn we couldn't find the flags.  We were on and off the route so many times.

Somewhere in that section I text our group and asked what can I take for this chest congestion?  I am miserable.  It is flat and I can't breathe.  Responses come in for Mucinex.

A little while later I got a reply from Randi, we have Mucinex and Chik-Fil-la sandwich.  Dreamy I think.

I keep following Lynn.  We are close to what we believe to be the aid station and just can't seem to figure it out.  Kevin calls me and says, we can see you, can you see my light flashing?  Just head that direction.  They could see us zig zagging all over the field.  It was pretty funny I am sure.

Part 17--we need a gameplan

During that section Lynn and I discussed strategy.  I was so exhausted and so tired from not being able to breathe.  We thought a good meal, a rest and some drugs should make all the difference.  We discussed whether we should climb Mingus tonight or wait and sleep a good chunk. 

We got into Fain ranch and they had the cot set up in the back of the van with a bed made up.  Gave me the mucinex, the sandwich and some amazing tomato soup from the aid station.  Linda said we should get some Vicks Rub for her chest.  I said, what about Biofreeze?

Here's the thing.  Biofreeze is great for muscles, joints and things.  It is not the best for chest congestion, it burned, but, it helped.

I lathered up in Biofreeze, ate half a sandwich, drank some soup and laid down.  Plan was for an hour and we would assess.  At every stop, Kevin plugged in my watch, lights etc. and I laid down.

I woke about 45 min later having coughed up some gunk and I COULD BREATHE!!!  I felt amazing.  Okay, let's do this.

Kevin brought me the other half of my sandwich, more soup, some caffeine and warm clothes.  I felt the best I could after so many miles of feeling horrible.  The race is salvageable.  It will be okay.  No more doom and gloom and tears.

Part 18--it happened

Kevin tells me, I have to tell you something.  What is that?  Your watch stopped.

In training we discussed if this happens.  I really wanted to have that 250 mile reading on my watch and I needed to accept that it may not quite go right and it could stop and that I needed to be okay with that. Which, with feeling better about how I physically felt, I was okay with it.  More on that later.

I got all bundled up for the night, Lynn was bundled and he was loaded with snacks and I was loaded with snacks.  I had my woobie too. Which is an Army blanket that compresses down, it can be made into a sleeping bag or just a great ground cover to throw over you for a rest or in cold weather.  I love my woobie.

Part 19--Mingus or Bust..........

We set out, Mingus mountain here we come.  Lynn was in front finding the way.  It was dark.  We left at 12:45 am.  Original plan was to be at Mingus at 11:00 pm, way behind the plan.  Cut off at Mingus is 1 pm the next day.  It will be okay, we can get there in 6-7 hours at the worst.  Was supposed to be 12.4 miles, 2800 ft of gain.  My watch recorded 15.68, 3,012 ft gain.  Plan was 24-28 min miles.  Actual 40:09 miles.  Took 10:30 hours. Things went bad. Really bad.

It started out well.  I felt great, we weren't playing guess the trail game, it was flat, things were going great.  I was coherant, talking with Lynn.  Great.

We came across another team (runner and pacer) and her runner was laying down for a trail nap.  I brought my woobie to take a trail nap if needed.  In training, I could never conquer a trail nap.  I tried multiple times, but just couldn't seem to do it.  I saw that girl laying on the ground and we got to the next barbed wire fence to climb over and I sat on the wooden frame and said, I think I want to lay down for 10 minutes.

When I saw her, it was all I could think about.  Sleep.  Just laying down on the earth for a little while.  How magestic that sleep will feel.

Lynn taking his job very seriously as my pacer, jumped into action.  He sought out a patch of land free of cow pattys, big rocks and sticks or pokey things.  Guided me to the spot and we rolled out the woobie, he set his timer for 10 minutes and I laid down-INSTANTLY asleep.  Like magic.  I woke up like I slept 8 hours.  Awesome.

I thought, we will turn this race back around.  I will just stay on top of the Mucinex.  We went a couple more miles and I knew we would have the climb for Mingus coming soon so I suggested another trail nap.  I told Lynn, 10 minutes.

Laid out the woobie, this time I threw it over me so I wouldn't get cold.  Out in second.  I woke up to coyotes howling and thought they were right beside me.  Lynn was there and he said I let you sleep a little longer and I heard 30 minutes, it was 13 minutes and 30 seconds.  Perfect.  Let's get this show moving.

I felt pretty good, I was eating and drinking and my breathing wasn't as bad.  Lynn and I talked about all kinds of things.  Aliens.  The sound of power lines and what animals must think?  The amount of deer that get killed on roadways.  We looked at the stars.  It was perfect, what I expected this race to be like.  Hiking along with my friends.

We turned off to make our way onto the trail up Mingus.  We found this silly hat.  Which was to become an icon of Cocodona 22.  Lynn wore it, I wore it, Linda wore it....we have no idea who it belongs to, but, it is ours now.  Another runner passed us and we chatted with them for awhile.

Part 20--breathing is overrated 

The going started to get a little harder.  I was having to take more frequent breathing breaks.  I could recover quick-ish and move on.  Then I wasn't recovering as quick and the breaks got closer together.  I couldn't take a full breath.

Lynn talked to me about hyperventilating and a time he almost died.  He talked to me about so many things, music, running, donkeys, life.  All I could do was nod, make a noise in response.

We came up with different methods, 10 steps and breathe.  5 steps and breathe.  What seemed to work was tiny little baby steps which seemed to take me farther than the 10 steps and stop to try to breathe.  I started to get very weak and I would sit on a rock and start to fall off asleep instantly. So we stopped doing that.

I couldn't eat or drink because I felt like I was drowning.  Lynn tried to offer me food. He tried everything.  He was so patient.

We tried to come up with a plan to save this race.  What can we do to save the second half of the race?  We knew and we talked about it that if I got checked out by the medics the race was done.  We didn't want to talk about that....so we talked about a plan.

I would get some Mucinex again, it seemed to be so helpful.  We decided that a rest before food and shower would be the most beneficial.  The shower would wake me up, then I could eat and take it with me on the way.  We talked about the food, lasagna and pancakes.  I was excited to be able to eat after I could breath.  I was so hungry, but, I just couldn't eat because I literally felt like I was drowning with food in my mouth.

I texted Kevin about maybe we could get an inhaler?  I knew we couldn't get one up to Mingus in time but maybe in Jerome after Linda and I went down together.

I truly thought when we get to Mingus I can get things reset and I would be okay.  But, in the back of my mind, the medical professional in me knew that I was in trouble.

We came up to what I thought was the top of the mountain and I went to do a nature call and Lynn went to look for antlers.  I finished and I couldn't find him.  Where's Lynn?  Which that was our team name last year for his Cocodona, Where's Lynn.

I called out for him and he came out of the woods, no antler.

Part 21--trouble indeed 

I thought I heard voices.  It seems it was real and one of the runners I did the Crown King training run with, Brian and his pacer were coming up to us.  Brian is a Veteran  and a medic and his pacer is a medic.

They told me that my lungs sound terrible, just from listening to me wheeze and cough and suffer to get oxygen.  They said, you need albuterol like ASAP.  They said to Lynn you need to keep an eye on her if her lips turn blue.  All things, we both knew and we both knew all we could do was get to the Mingus Aid Station.

Lynn picked me a flower, if you don't have albuterol, a flower helps.  Lynn and I see things similiar in nature.  This flower was all alone and strong.  Solid all by themselves and he picked it and gave it to me for strength.  I always love finding flowers or cactus that grow in the most difficult place and thrives.

I know it is silly, but that flower gave me strength over the next several miles.  Something to note, I also have no memory of the next several miles.  From when we turned on that dirt road, it is blank.  The silly little flower took over and pulled me forward.

I recall sitting down to get a layer of pants off I think, I don't remember and we got up again and we saw Kevin and Linda walking towards us.  I started crying.

You know when you were little and you were sick and as soon as you see your mom you start to cry? That is what I did.  I was strong until I had my Kevin and I was weak and started to cry.  Lynn said she has been holding it together until she saw you.  I also lost my little flower.  I went to go back for it and they turned me forward to the aid station.  No time for little flower.  Thank you little flower for helping me.

Kevin gave me a Mucinex and we told them of our plan to let me sleep, which was originally going to be 3-4 hours and has been dropped to an hour so that I can shower and eat.

Part 22--Lynn as my pacer and saving me

In writing this, I wasn't sure where to put this, so I will put this here.  Lynn has never been a pacer before and he had no idea what he was getting into with me.  He is a patient and compassionate human being.  I have always known this. He got me at what was the worst I have ever felt in my life.  He got me at the lowest emotional point I have ever been.  He got me at the rawest, truest version I could be.  I was grasping dearly onto the thinnest of hairs of hope to keep going. He kept me going.  He didn't pressure me into thinking I was failing.  He didn't pressure me into going faster.  He didn't make me feel emotionally worse than I already felt.  He didn't push me harder than he knew I could do.  I literally gave all of myself out there. He made me laugh when I wanted to cry.  He distracted me from feeling the inevitiable was going to happen.  He pointed out trees, flowers, nature things.  We talked about music.  He saved me from dying on that mountain.  I know that sounds dramatic, but, it is for real. If I had any other pacer out there besides Kevin, I would have been pushed too hard.  I would have taken things more personal and friendships could have been questioned.  His intuitive nature to be kind, patient, understanding, saved my life.  Lynn is a brother to me who understands the longer miles, the peace in the solo moments on the trail, the military way of life, being adopted, he gets a lot of it.  Like a big brother, he has also mentored me along the way with not just running, but with running with donkeys.  I have learned so much from him. I am incredibly grateful that Lynn and Linda, his amazing wife came into our lives.  Linda who is also a saint in human form, I can't even begin.  She is everything. My sister.  My best friend.  We message everyday.  So many times in training I felt I couldn't do this and she was a person always to say I could.  When I struggled to get out the door, she was there to tell me I could.  She sends surprise little gifts to show she cares.  I had a water bottle stolen from my neighborhood while I was doing hill repeats.  She sent a new one with a sticker of Leo, her donkey I get to love and run with.  She is such a light in my life.  When we think of life before donkeys, it also includes a life before Lynn and Linda.  They are family.  I was looking forward to seeing them for Cocodona so much and to have time with both of them.  They mean the absolute world to me. Aside from Kevin, I have never had anyone have my back, support me, trust me, believe in me and love me the way Lynn and Linda do.  Plus, they brought us into donkeys!!!!  Donkeys changed our lives.  People are brought into our paths of life for a reason.  I am grateful for them.  

Part 23--friends

Cocodona training actually brought out the best of my friends and I learned who I can rely on and will show up and be there both physcially and with a message of support.  So many people surprised me, it was truly so amazing the support.  

So many of my friends sent me messages of encouragement.  Posted on Facebook.  I would feel down and open my messages and Facebook and see all the love and support.  Many times I drained my phone battery down.  Kevin and Randi would charge it back up and I would drain it again.  They would tell me to keep it in Airplane mode since I was draining it so much.  Sometimes though I just needed to see and feel the love and comments.  I am extremely grateful for all the love and support I got in the year of training and during the race.  It was amazing.

Part 24-Mingus Mountain Aid Station--my inevitable finish line

At Mingus Aid station it is a church retreat, a really cool place.  They have cabins that the runners can use and they can have a shower there.  It is a really nice set up and a great place to take advantage of the ammenities.  The aid station is inside a big cafeteria area. I was looking forward to coming here.

Kevin led me to the aid station and I had to climb these stairs.  I got inside and sat down immediately.  I was suffering so badly, I couldn't breathe at all. I had not been doing my baby steps and breathe routine and it felt like we sprinted to the aid station.  The aid station folks were so nice, I recognized them from the folks I saw at Copper Creek. They were all so nice and asking if I wanted all the things they had.  Pancakes.  I asked about lasagna and was told there was some pasta and sauce.  I said, right now I just want to breathe. I was asking about the lasagna for Lynn. 

Kevin led me to the cabin, down some stairs, up some stairs to the cabin and he had a bed made up and all my shower and clothes set up. He is so incredibly amazing.

I laid down and knew I had one hour to sleep and one hour to address the elephant in the room.  The elephant on my chest with a vice squeezing my lungs.  For now, sleep. I would make a decision about getting checked and ending this race when I got up, I just wanted to sleep for a little while.  I was so exhausted.  Kevin told me he would be back with my woobie to put over me.  I just laid down and tried to sleep while coughing and wheezing.

I had just fallen asleep it seemed when Kevin comes in the room.

He has a pulsoxemeter (mine from my work which measures your blood oxygen and pulse rate), a benadryl, thermometer and ziplock bag full of fluid.  Sticked thermometer in my mouth (looking back, hope it wasn't in animal before this), he puts the pulsox on my finger, tells me to take the benadryl, Carolyn Lee (she is a large animal vet) told him to have me do it.  I take the benadryl and look at my reading on the pulsox.  Upside down it read 98, which is really 86 percent oxygen saturation.  He saw 98 and thought I was okay, I said no, it is 86.  Let's take it again on another finger, 85%.  Fuck.  Yep.  Fuck.  Get the medics.

Kevin goes to get the medic from the aid station building. 

The medic comes in and I know that he needs to do what he needs to do.  I have fought hard to not let it get to this moment, but, here it is.  Writing this has been hard, harder than I expected.

He came in and sat down on the bunk across from me and asked me what is going on.  I told him I am having a hard time breathing, I have had a hard time for about 50 or so miles.  He takes my vitals, blood pressure was perfect, heart rate was in the 100s, my resting is low 50s-which it didn't go back to that until almost a month later. My oxygen was 85 percent and that is resting.  In the medical world, that is an immediate oxygen or 911 call.  It is easy to assume I was dipping to mid 70s with activity.

He decided to put O2 on me at 5 Liters.  It brought it up, he took it off and I dropped again.  He set me up with a breathing treatment and that seemed to work to open my lungs and get me to 90.  During this he is asking me more questions.  

He took my blood sugar which was 115 and Lynn comes in and says, I got you beat by 300 points.  He is a new diabetic and we told him that isn't how it works.  It was a good laugh.  He also made another funny when I was doing the breathing treatment--he said it looks like you have had a lot of experience with that, meaning drugs, but we all took it as something dirty.  Made us all laugh.  It was the laughter we needed at that time.

I saw my numbers and vitals were normalizing and I honestly asked the medic, I am good now, can I keep going in the race?

He said no.

I knew that would be the answer, it didn't stop the tears gushing out of my face or the snot factory that followed.  I was absolutely devastated.

In the line of questioning he asked if I do these Cocodona things often.  He really had no clue the aid he was providing to people.  Linda was with me and helped answer the questions.  We explained it is a race and this is the second year.  Yes I trained for this.  He asked if I got a physical done to do it.  A physical.... so Linda jumped in as momma bear crazy Korean and said she had everything checked, two colonoscopies even.  Which is true as part of the deal I made with Kevin to do Cocodona I had everything checked.  I had a clean bill of health from head to toe.  I was getting so irritated with this guy asking me this crap.

He was also coordinating with talking on the radio and phone about getting an ambulance up the mountain to transport me to the hospital.  By now I am between a bawling mess and angry.   I am also so hungry since I can breathe better I can eat right?  I asked if there were any pancakes left and if Lynn could get me some.  The medic said I couldn't eat.  Since I was going to the hospital and they may do blood work???  Also, Lynn wasn't allowed to get any pancakes, he was cut off from eating anymore.

By now Kevin is also upset, well he was upset before that.  This though, he said why are you wasting resources to get an ambulance up here?  I can take her.  The medic was insistent and Kevin was insistent that it was not necessary because it would be at least an hour before the ambulance would even get there.  Then when I get to the hospital they won't do more than what has been done, breathing treatment and O2.  I was maintaining 90 percent O2.  So the medic finally gave in and had me sign a form that I take responsibility for what happens.

Kevin was already planning a call into Kathy, his sister who is a nurse.  I also knew that nothing more could be done other than an inhaler and rest.  There was no sense in sitting in a urgent care or emergency room having a depleted immune system and catching something.  Kathy agreed and the decision was made.

Part 26--the hardest hand-off

Now came the task of truly leaving the race.  We packed up all my belongings.  I didn't eat any pancakes. We walked to the truck parked down the hill.  I saw Lynn, Linda, Carolyn Lee all standing there with some other folks.  Brian and his pacer crew were getting ready to head out.  I wished him luck and told them what happened.  Another crew was there too.

Kevin's cleaning the truck space out for me to get in.

Then up walks one of the guys from the aid station.

He needs to get the SPOT tracker back.  He was the same guy who put it on my pack.  It was the nail in the coffin that my race was done. An official DNF, did not finish. It all ends now.  SPOT is turned off.  You are done.  You won't see the rest of this race.  Your journey has ended.  A year of preparation is for nothing.  Absolute complete unraveling devastation.  I don't know when this wound will be easier to talk about. It is as raw as the moment it happened almost 2 months ago.

Part 27--the aftermath

We made the drive down the mountain and I just cried.  Kevin had asked Randi to post on FB I was pulled for medical reasons.  I replied to text messages and posted to FB.  I have never felt so defeated in my life.  I felt I let everyone down.  I was so low and felt like I wasted everyone's time and effort with all they did to support me. Lynn and Linda came down from Colorado.  Randi spent the week with me.  Pacers were training and changed their schedules to support me.  The money spent.  It was all just so crushing to my soul.  Kevin was trying so hard to make me feel better.

I was trying to eat something and I just couldn't stop crying.

We made the decdion though to stay through the rest of the week.  We had camping spot reservations at Deadhorse and in Flagstaff so we would stay.  Lynn and Linda planned to stay also.

For now I just wanted to get to camp and shower and sleep.

Randi had stayed at the camper when Kevin came up to Mingus, Linda had driven behind him.  When we got there she gave me a big hug and said she was so sorry she wasn't there and how sorry she was about what happened.  I just bawled.  I tried so hard. It just wasn't meant to happen.

I got in and peeled my nasty clothes off and showered.  I tried to socialize but couldn't stay awake and went to bed.  I think I slept a couple hours and came back out. They said I was running in my sleep.  My arms and legs were moving.

 I don't know who or how KFC chicken showed up and I ate some chicken.  By now my feet had regained feeling and they were so badly blistered. (Part of low oxygen is loss of feeling to the extremeties.  Kevin asked how my feet were at Mingus and I said they are great, not bothering me at all--because I couldn't feel them!!)  Wow they hurt so bad. Linda helped me drain the blisters and tape them up.  Randi had gone home with her sister who lived close by.  Which that was the plan was for her to spend a day or so there to recoup and join me on the last pacing section before Kevin would take over.

I wanted to go to the aid station to see my friends come in and give them some love.  It was great to see them and also so overwhelming.  Kyung was crying with me.  Jaime was upset too.  I said I would see them in Flagstaff and at the finish!!  They were doing so great.  I was so proud of them and painfully jealous.

Part 28--the shitter station talk

When we were leaving Deadhorse we needed to empty the shitter on the camper.  Kevin and I went into our normal routine and we were standing there wating for the tanks to empty.  He says to me words I didn't think I would hear.

He said, I know how incredibly hard you trained for this.  How much time you put into this and how ready you were.  I was so excited to come down that alley to the finish with you.  You worked so hard for this and to be taken out the way you were it just isn't fair.  I know it is going to be hard, but I want you to do this.  I want you to have that finish.  I want to finish with you.  I want to go to Elden with you.  I want to see you do this.  Tears are rolling down our faces.  Crying over the decision to do it again.  The time commitment, the race fee and other costs.  Heck at this point I have all the gear, the plan and a lot of the food-even still 2 months later.  So there we were, crying while emptying the shitter making the decision to do Cocodona 2023.  First though he said, we need to take a little break from Cocodona talk and planning.  It was all consuming.  A break was needed.

The next day we would make the trek to Flagstaff at Ft Tuthill where we had a campsite for a few nights which was part of the original plan.  I told Kevin I wanted to see some of the places on the course I hadn't seen before to give me some closure I guess.

Part 29--the word game

The first night in Flagstaff Linda came up with a game.  She had us all have the letters of the alphabet and we had to write down a word that began with each letter to describe Cocodona or a characteristic of the runner that would do the race.

Then we would as the 4 of us decide what was the best word and there would be a point given.  You had to explain your reasoning too. Sometimes two words were the best.  Some just made us laugh.  Here is the list.

Ambitious-Kevin

Brave-Lynn, Linda, Kristin, Kevin

Committed-Linda, Courageous-Kristin, Crazy-Kevin

Diverse-Kristin

Endurance-Linda

Fanatic-Kevin

Groupies-Lynn

Hardcore-Linda

Inventive-Kristin, Ingenious-Kevin

Journey-Linda, Kristin

Knowledge-Lynn

Lucky-Kevin

Mentor-Lynn

Naps-Linda

Organized-Linda

Pricey-Kevin

Quirky-Kristin, Kevin

Resourceful-Linda

Stubborn-Kevin

Trained-Linda, Tenacious-Kristin

Umbrella-Kevin

Vibe-Lynn, Vigoruous-Kevin

Want-Linda, Wonderment-Kristin

Xenial-Linda-we called her on this word-it means hospitality

Young-Kevin

Zealous-Linda, Kristin

Zillow-Lynn--if you do not finish Cocodona next year you better look for a new home on Zillow

Part 30--Going to Kathy and Grant's family cabin

Kathy and Grant were staying in Flagstaff at their families cabin and invited us over to sit in the hot tub.  It is a massive gorgeous cabin.  We could also do a load of laundry which was greatly appreciated.  They were so sweet dressed in their Kristin Cocodona shirts, which will be used for next year!!  We hung out with them for a few hours and Kathy gave me an inhaler she has as a back up which I used a few times before we got home.  I didn't have much of a voice and could barely talk without coughing.  It was so nice to spend some time with them.  It gave Lynn and Linda some time to go through some Burro stuff too.

Part 31--the pack intervention

As part of the aftermath, there is always input on how things could go better.  We all learn from our mistakes and failures.  We all learn from our journies from the highest and postives to the lowest and negatives.  

One area of concern to everyone but me was my pack.  I called it an intervention because it felt like that.  I will agree that some things can be changed, but some things I won't change.  One thing I am changing is a different pack that does have a bigger capactiy especially when it came to layers of clothes to downgrade or upgrade to.  The items I always carry in my pack:

First aid kit-basic kit-mostly foot care and I trimmed it down a lot for the size and weight.

Chapstick, lube, BABY wipes, hand sanitizer, drugs, space blanket, (multitool, mace, knife-not carried for Cocodona), a little knit donkey pinned to my pack, a small rock from a friend.  What I added for Cocodona, a whistle, an extra space blanket, pictures, contacts pack and orajel.  Then of course fueling, and a reusable cup for aid stations.

I was told that was too much.  At one point my Baby wipes got swapped out with some body wipes that burned my vagina.  I never said anything, but after this level 10 intervention on my pack I brought it up that I suffered greatly for many, many, many, wipes.  I was asked several times if my back hurt from carrying so much.  No, becuase I carry it all the time.  Anyways, I took it very personal and got super defensive about it all.

I was still very raw about my DNF, just days before and I took it as my pack was why I failed.  It wasn't the intention, but, that was what went in my head.

Part 32--PANCAKES

The day after the DNF we went to Bear Cafe and I was able to have some yummy pancakes!!  Lynn did too but with sugar free syrup.

Part 33--after action report--same night as pack intervention...it isn't all bad

Less clothes--I agree that I packed way too many clothes and should realistically not change that often--changing that for next year

2 Packs-not the rap artist, 2 identical packs, so when I come in I hand over my pack and they have the other one ready with water, tailwind, fuel etc. also, different pack than what I have

Clear organizer that hangs up, like a shoe organizer with see through compartments for crew to see things so much easier

Label sides of containers/color containers vs cheap see through ones I bought

A plus was how organized I was with everything, just about everything was used and was easy to find

A plus was all the coordination with all the changes in pacers, the course, the van, being flexible and adapting to the changes

More elevation training, it was highlighted I didn't do enough-I know I could do more, but, I need to manage the time better because to get to elevation it is an hour plus away

Emergency inhaler-which I have now

Have breathing machine in camper-we have one for the boys--hopefully I am not sick again and have what happened happen again

Bringing our wagon to haul stuff from truck to aid station

Individual portions for snacks was a positive for crew to have

Need to apply diaper cream to butt each stop, I thought I had cactus in my pants, it was a rash

Bigger shoes from the start

Double socks from the start, toe and regular on outside

Blue Luekotape vs the roll of tape, far easier to use

Electrolyte water logs to keep electrolytes in balance

Strength training for me

More double hard back to back sessions in training

Start and stop watch for each section and not for the whole thing, I could run that in Strava, but not do it with my watch so I can know where I am each section, not as a whole

Only have one section with me at a time and not the whole plan

Regular ziplocks, not zippy kind

Plastic forks, spoons, plates, cups in the truck for aid stations

Better method for me carrying battery to recharge phone etc, I dropped it a thousand times

Part 34--going to Sedona and to Oak creek canyon, Ft Tuthill aid station

In the morning we took Lola and Lennon for a walk on part of the course and through the tunnel under the interstate.  It was sweet of Kevin to take me on parts I would have seen during the race.  Lennon and Lola liked the walk too.  While Lynn and Linda stayed with us, Lola slept with Kevin and I.  She is a little bit of a bed hog and she likes to slam down with all her weight when she lays down.  It is funny.  She is such a sweet dog, we missed her when they went home.

We ventured out during the day to Sedona to see part of the new course that was a much appreciated change for this year.  We took Lola and Lennon (Lynn and Linda's dogs) to Oak creek canyon to play in the water which was a lot of fun.  The simplicity of it is what we needed.  I didn't put my feet in the water with my nasty blisters all jacked up and didn't want to get them infected.  We still had a lot of fun and we ate crew snacks.  We always have so much fun with Lynn and Linda and the dogs are great.  

Later we were able to go to the Ft Tuthill aid station to meet up with friends we were following.  Including Saul that Lynn ran a great deal of the race with last year.  Saul and his wife were running together this year.  We also saw some other folks that we were following and it was great to see them.  We also saw Jaime's crew and Jaime was waiting for medical to come and bring her and her pacer back.  She had an electrolyte deficit happen and things started going badly for her and they made the call to get help.  I felt just awful for her.  I was with her when she handed her SPOT tracker over.  I know that feeling and just felt terrible for her.  Again I was faced with painful jealousy, but proud of everyone who stumbled out of there.

Part 35--the finish line

The morning of the finish of the race Lynn and Linda were meeting a friend to haul some donkeys to Colorado with them.  We also were able to get some breakfast before they headed out.  We were sad to see them leave but knew we would be seeing them soon in June.

Kevin and I headed to the finish line area in Heritage Square in Flagstaff to see the finishers come in.  What an experience.  I saw so many fellow runners, friends, aid station people, crews.  We found out earlier that Kyung DNFd, January and Richard DNFd a few others we were following did as well.  We still wanted to be there to cheer everyone on.  

I also saw the race director, Steve.  He saw me and gave me a great big hug and said how sorry he was to see I got pulled .  He said he thought he would see me at the finish and he was so sad for me.  Me too friend.  I thought how awesome is this race and community that a race director remembers you!!  Everyone there was so incredibly kind and supportive.  There had to be at least 100+ people there watching the alley for runners to come down.  Kevin and I cried a few times, sad we weren't finishing, but knowing we would next year.  

All eyes were glued to the SPOT tracker for the last finishers.  Would they make it?  The last guy was really having to push hard to get to the finish line in time.  The crowd was amazing.  We all made a human tunnel that stretched down the alley with arms up for when he would come through.  The covetted last finisher.  They had people keeping an eye out for him down the street before the turn down the alley and they would tell us to cheer louder.  Everyone had their phone out looking at the tracker and filming this epic moment.

People in open toed shoes with feet all bandaged up, war wounds of an epic journey.

Sharing stories of finishes and DNFs.  A community of badass fricking warriors.  I was one of them. It was emotional and powerful.

Where is he, will he make it.

The crowd gets louder and there he is.  Leaning heavily to one side and hunched over his poles.  He made it.  He is a Cocodona finisher!!!  Tears flooded everyone's eyes.  He didn't have pacers.  He did it alone with all of his fellow competitors.  Jaime and I saw him between Finch Wells and Copper Creek.  Absolutely amazing.

He finished and just laid down on the ground, happy to stop moving.  

I can't wait to lay on this coveted spot of Earth as a finisher!!!!

This is a video of the finish

Part 36--the following months

Eventually we all have to go home and face the real world.  We drove home, I drove the van and Kevin drove the truck and camper.  We have hand held radios that we use on trips and we talked back and forth on the radios.  Which was great because I was so tired, we both were.

After we got home and got all the stuff unloaded--the house looked like a disaster having everything back in it.  We had to get back to life.  First thing was to talk to my doctor about what happened.  The best she could do was a video call on Tuesday in the afternoon.  I really wanted her to listen to my lungs, so I went to an urgent care that could do x-rays and listen to my lungs.

No chest X-ray done, but the doctor listened to my lungs and they sounded clear and she prescribed a steroid for the next 4 days to calm the inflammation down and some cough medicine.  I had lost my voice several days prior and the steroid would help with that.  When I did the video call with my primary doctor she put in a prescription for an inhaler for me to have in my pack from now on.  She agreed the cold progressed to my lungs and it is possible I may have some activity enduced asthma.  Hard to say with starting with a cold, the smoke and dust and the prolonged time it stuck with me after I stopped the race.  It is a reassurance to have it on hand if something like this ever happens again.  It was also hard to say if it was long COVID related.  I got COVID in January.  

All those variables came togther and I got very sick and couldn't finish the race.  I have to remind myself that often, because inside it feels like a failure.

Part 37--the other medical issues

In the two months that followed the race I gained 20 pounds.  I was on hormone replacment therapy to manage my menopuse symptoms which caused part of the weight gain, the steroids didn't help my weight etither.  I was absolutely exhausted, so drained physically and emotionally.  Due to the hormones I also had a cyst in my breast that tripled in size that gave us a huge scare about Cancer.  It has been drained now and I am all clear.  I am also off of the hormones.  I am just going to tough it out with how I am feeling. Sweat pouring off of me hot flashes, sheet soaking night sweats, migraines, joint pains, depression, anxiety, fatigue--to name a few.  I am taking some over the counter stuff and some home remedies.  It will get better.  I also broke my little toe, possibly it's buddy next to it to some degree.  I was in Creede, Colorado in a Pack Burro Race and the Donkey I run with, Leo, unintentionally stepped on my foot right before the race.  I still did the race which was 10 miles.  When I took my socks off that night it was pretty ugly.  It is getting better though.

Part 38--reunions

I also wasn't really running much.  I met up for some group runs, nothing solo.  I had my first solo run June 25th.  Which it was amazing.  I was okay meeting up with people to run, I wasn't ready to go on my own.  It was a weird thing.  I wasn't ready to be lost in my head on the trail.  I was apprehensive of where it would lead and if I could be a runner again.  This whole process made me feel like a fraud.  Like I showed up and failed.  I didn't feel like I belonged on the trail anymore.  I was on a run with Randi and we were talking about this and she hit the nail on the head, I felt shame.  I was embarassed about my performance.  I am so strong and I wasn't strong enough.  All the-not ----- enough.  It was weighing me down.  As the numbers on the scale kept going up, the shame I felt in my performance, my abilities, my body, everything went up with it.  So on June 25th, I hit the trail alone.

I listened to music randomly on my headphones and they happened to be a group of break-up and make-up songs (aren't they all really).  As I listened to them it made me think of how running and I kind of went through a break up and here we are on this trail coming back together.  I laughed.  I cried. I tripped a lot for the laughing and crying.  I breathed in full wonderful breaths of the Earthy smell around me.  I took pictures.  I came back to life.  I came back to me.  I came home sore, but happy.  No more of the negative talk about how the race was a failure.  I don't cry everytime I think of it.  It will hurt for a longtime, but it isn't for my lack of throwing all of me into it, it just wasn't the outcome I planned on.

Part 39--Now what?

Now comes making training plans.  Organizing runs.  Weight training. Surviving the summer. Night runs.  Working on some of the issues that came to light during the race.  Relying on and trusting others. Working on my gear issues.  Saving money for the race for next year.  Maybe looking into a coach.  Maybe a second job to pay for race and coach....

Forward progress to getting my body stronger.  I have a second chance at the race with a body that it stronger than it was at the starting line in May. 

I have allowed 2 months to try to process all of this and get back in the game.  I am so grateful for the amazing support of my husband through all of this.  He is a saint.  He is so supportive and keeps me sane.  He has held me when I cried non-stop.  He has supported this whole Coco-crazy from day one.  He got more Coco-crazy after going through what he was able to.  I am so lucky to have him by my side.  

I have a great group of friends who have helped me through this, especially Randi.  She knows more than anyone of my friends what it was like for me out there.  I talk to her a lot about all of this and I am so grateful for her friendship and sisterhood to be by my side through this.  Laurie has been a wonderful friend to talk to who will just listen and tell it to you straight.  We became friends in the last year with preparing for Coco #1 and she helped so much with figuring out gear and planning crew things and she joined me on some runs.  She grew too in this last year.  She is so excited for next year.  Lynn and Linda are as excited for next year.  Our trip to Colorado was for a burro race, but also to spend time with them.  I know next year we will all be celebrating at the finish line.

Final numbers:

First place finisher--Joe McConaughy, age 30, 59:28:54

Last place finisher--Stephen Park, age 49, 121:56:30

240 people signed up

225 people started the race (15 did not start-meaning they paid and didn't show up)

74 people didn't finish

Me--Kristin Trapp, age 49, 34:41:01, 100.9 miles, elevation gain 10,497 ft, DNF

The hardest part of this journey was writing this to process it all and telling people what happened and why I didn't make it.  It is with confidence now that I can tell them why and that I will be back.

Thank you for reading, even if it took you as long as it took me to write it.